Flat Pop (From the Archive): Hostile Visitors

Originally posted March 13, 2008:

So last night, I answered the door and there was a pair of asian guys in suits waiting outside. I didn't want to deal with Jehovah's Witnesses and I already had a well-thumbed-through copy of the Watchtower in the bathroom, so I shut the door on them — or that was the plan.

One of them stuck his foot in the door and even though I had all 83 pounds of my weight and sinewy muscle against the door, they somehow forced their way in. From the floor, I begged them to take anything they want, just don't kill me, and one of them said, "We would like to play!"

The other guy took something white out of the briefcase that he had handcuffed to his wrist and flipped it onto the couch. They both bowed low to me, then got into their blue and white Smart car and drove off into the night, leaving me cowering in a pool of terror sweat and urine.

And that's how I finally got my Nintendo Wii. True story!

Jingle Bell Rock Out With Your Cock Out to Hilary Duff

My favorite guilty pleasure* for the past few Christmases has been the slick, soulless holiday stylings of then-16-year-old Disney product, Hilary Duff.

I am a sucker for sleek production, and this album, Santa Claus Lane is slicker than a teflon-coated eel in a tub of K-Y Sensual Silk Warming Personal Lubricant. Seasoned session musicians perform dense, contemporary (but non-threatening) pop arrangements on a recording budget worth 12 minutes of the War on Terror — all to support the wafer-thin vocal talents of Hilary Duff. I imagine T-Pain gnawing his fist to bloody shreds, just frothing with envy when he hears Hilary working the crap out of the same Autotune pitch correction processor on which he built his career.

My favorite slice of holiday cheese is Duff's rendition of "Sleigh Ride" — a Vanessa Carltonesque arrangement in which Hilary sounds pretty decent until the backup singers show up and nuke her reedy little voice from orbit. Repeatedly.

Another highlight is the classic "Wonderful Christmastimes" rendered with a creepy child, a creepy children's chorus, and smooth Journey-like rock guitar lines a la "Any Way You Want It". If you're still not sold yet, the producers even found room for an electronica/trance breakdown at 2:09.

"I Heard Santa On the Radio" features some of the finest holiday lyrics since "White Christmas":

He was busy findin bustin beats
Makin it up as he went along
Hip hop, rock, and electronica
St. Nick could do no wrong

Lil' Romeo even makes an appearance in a futile attempt to lend Hilary some street cred on "Tell Me a Story".



In "When the Snow Comes Down in Tinseltown", Hilary mistakes Santa for another prominent imaginary figure when she writes a letter (including requisite scrawling noises), asking for a miracle.



Christmas is the only time you can play Christmas music without looking crazy, so why not celebrate the whitest season of the year with the whitest music in the world?



*a redundant turn of phrase, since thanks to 12 years of Catholic school, all my pleasures are guilty.